LONE WOLF by Abby Jean

06-27-17
He said, “I’d rather be left in the dark, than caught in the sun.”
He’d rather be left in the dark, than caught in the sun.
So deep.
Deep diving…
I’d rather deep dive in his mind.
I wanna deep dive in his mind – Badly.
Deeply bad.
Fuck.
So complex.
So intricate.
So introvert and mysterious.
I want it.
I want in.
I want in it soooo fucking bad.
You haven’t a clue.
I can’t put this want in words.
Deep dive in his mind.
A fairytale come true.
A moonlight dream, come true.
I message him sweet somethings.
Here and there.
“Good Morning…”
“Have a splendid day…”
“Blessings…”
They wreak of cheese, and I send them.
I want to pour sweetness from his crown down.
Like syrup, like honey oozing thick.
Enough sweetness to cover his everything.
I have it.
I have it in me, dormant.
I’d say patiently waiting, but I don’t think there’s any end to this wait.
This wait is nothing but weight.
Well it’s more, but, ya know…
This weight teaches me things about myself.
Through torment.
By not dropping to rock bottom.
Or rocketing straight out a volcano.
My response to dismay teaches me.
I thank him for that.
He doesn’t know it.
But I thank him for that.
I text him “Come fuck me”, well basically.
The words I choose are more clever though.
At least I think so.
So as to not bore him.
I’m not a basic bitch.
So as to have him know his complex mind relates to mine.
I think too much, perhaps you’re thinking.
Well guess what, I do.
Thinking is vital after feeling what I feel.
Thinking is my only hope.
My only chance to create a silver lining.
Wonder is everything to me.
I text him “Slither hither…”
He knows what it means.
But does he? Do I?
He has me confused.
He even spots my confusion.
He calls it out, between the lines.
He still can’t do anything about it.
Can’t… doesn’t… won’t…
I like to stick with can’t, feels better.
I understand, as I swallow it down.
It being every complexity of this… relationship.
Calm down, not boyfriend girlfriend.
That would be out of this world, cosmic.
I’m referring to this earthly human to human “relationship”.
Soul to soul, ya know.
I message him, “Come to my chamber.”
Insinuating Love making.
True.
I want it.
I want him.
Mmmm… I want what he gives.
But it’s because that’s my only chance of anything.
Behind my insinuating words however, there’s a whole other level.
I’m really just pushing persuasion to reel him in.
So I can study him.
Spend a little time with him.
To satisfy my relentless desire.
To know him.

GAMBLING GAMBLES by Abby Jean

June 14, 2017
You see me?
I feel like, you see me…
Who I am.
Feel me.
Who I am.

I’m taken aback from you…
I backup from you.
Take a step back.
Just to take a good look…
Are you, You?

Something seems puzzling.
I know that’s logic mumbling…
Trying to create – no.
Just aware of my standing.
My place in this gambling…

Relationship gambles.
Gambling lives for Love.
Once Passion drives that’s it.
The fire’s lit, let’s get lit, even if –
Our risky gambles end up in shambles…

Am I the only one he longs for?
Am I the only one who shines under his sun?
Am I the only sun shining his day…?

I consider… thoughts wander…
I drift to wonders that weigh me.
Distraughtening to ever Love in unreciprocated depths.
Never again.
I catch myself thinking and stop to feel instead.

How do I… feel…

Tingles run up my arms.
Back of my neck.
Spread through my scalp.
My cheeks.
Magick swirls from my heart.

I feel, Love.
Insane depths of it.
I feel, fear.
My heart’s rocky history runs deep.
I feel, anxious.

Anxious to look in your eyes.
Confront your soul with no words.
Communicate through spirit.
Ethereal realness.
One on one confrontational informational gathering.

What is this.
What are we really doing babe?
What the fuck are we doing.
We are so bold to advance you know.
So wild spirited in this crazy trance you know.

I tear from the thought of losing you.
Anxiety from logic of how this can continue.
I need to know you.
I need to see you in regular life.
Day to day living, I need to know you.

I’m at a loss for words now.
Words.
Words aren’t satisfying me.
There’s nothing left to say.
Everything must be felt.

Babe, I fucking Love you.
My head spins, belly, heart, nervous system.
I admit I’ve developed fright.
Just trying to maintain it as slight.
I can’t lose you, I fucking can’t.

How do I, win…
Moment to moment.
Day to day.
I make conscious effort.
To underwhelm my overwhelm.

Inhale, exhale…
“Anything is possible.”
In the calm of my storm.
I can and shall manifest it.
You and I together, living as one.

Inhale, exhale…
My Love.
I care for you so dearly.
With no hesitation.
It’s a soul to soul thing. xo

S.O.S. by Abby Jean

Feb 23 ’17
I want to get out of here.
I need to stop doing this.
Not Love, don’t worry…
I mean, work.

Work schmurk… Jerk murk… F.. u.. c……

You see my boss gave me this task.
I saw him pull it from his ass.
Sorry for the profanity.
I’m dipping into insanity.

Been workin’ on the same file.
The same file that stretches a mile.
All day editing.. the same.. fucking.. list.
I want to disappear into mist.

I don’t usually mind work you see.
But this task is too repetitive, honestly.
I can’t stand this shit anymore.
Computer’s ’bout to get tossed on the floor.

Ok ok, I just checked the time.
Now my heart has been slightly revived.
One measly lil hour left.
I got this, I can do it, I’m set.

“List, I shall conquer you.”
I say aloud, relaxing my fist.
Inhale. Exhale.
Freedom… yes… freedom shall prevail.

I got this.

LEFT ME HANGIN’ by Abby Jean

01-17-17

He left me hangin.
I’d rather be bangin…
I really didn’t ask for much.
Just a title for a poem and such.

He read my message with no reply.
So this poem is now based on my try.
To get him to spark my creativity.
I’ll do it myself with my divinity.

Here at work with concentration issues.
Rather write it out than blow it into tissues.
I’m having heart aches on many levels.
Fiending for attention from dick devils.

I overhear my soul battling my ego lately.
Begging to stop the thoughts, praying greatly.
Self destruction, self torture, self abuse.
The pleasure in pain, pleasure in being used.

Love… oh Love, where art thou.
A brave heart willing to Love, I need now.
What’s happened to everyone, hearts tainted.
So fearful, so empty… ugly pic they’ve painted.

I still smile, dance, sing and spin.
As many times as I lose, I win.

Pause.

He just sent me a song.
A song I wanna put in my thong.
Makin’ me want his schlong.
All fucking night long.

These moments are what I live for.
These moments I hoard and store.
Reminisce when I need more.
More than staring at a closed door.

Random moments, random times.
Random visions invading minds.
I love making something from nothing.
I adore making nothing from something.

I know my mood, I know myself.
I’ll keep writing words, they write themself.
No end inside my infinite mind.
Black hole spewing words of all kinds you’ll find…

I thought he left me hangin.
But really he came back bangin.
Life, you amaze me.
Life, you drive me crazy…

TEXT ME BACK by Abby Jean

July 28 ’16
Don’t be an asshole.
Jump down the rabbithole.
Take the risk.
Wild out.
Text me back.

You’re boring my spirit.
I’m sure you don’t want to hear it.
Envisioning your side.
With occupied preoccupieds.
Prob never even tried…

Bzzz, bzzzz.
Too busy to stop.
Too focused another way.
It’s ok.
In my nightmares.

‘Cause in my dreams, desires.
Meditations and hopes.
I hear it.
That lovely buzz.
Bzz, bzz…bzz, bzz.

Not the buzz of business.
Or bees.
Or cicadas in trees.
The buzz of you.
Texting me.

Stop with your ways.
Make me exclusive.
Make me the exception.
To your rule.
Your habit.

How boring.
I’m snoring.
Now my wait is late.
For another hot date.
He texts.

HUMAN STAR by Abby Jean

July 25 ’16

Mystical Mysterious Human Star.
Often ponder where and how you are.
In the mist, in the particles of spotlight.
Shining bright blinding light.
Pointed, beaming, like sunshine at night.
I feel my energies, his energies.
No longer in synergies.
But were they ever?
My thought-train is clever.
“He’s not that into you.”
Words repeated from time over.
I knew, I know, I realize.
My eyes never tries to lies.
But my voice trembles to speak goodbyes.
Instead my heart just skips a beat.
Double-dutching over his.
As I continue my biz.
I float by to send a hi.
No desire for him to try.
Just let him know I cared, care.
Expressing my soul is only fair, I dare.
Beautiful one upon this earth.
Spread your beauty, build your net worth.
The tiger I’m keeping.
To cuddle while I’m sleeping.
Oops.
Sweet life ahead.
Sweet dreams of glory.
From start to end.
We had a great story.
Butterfly wings and flashes of light.
Off and away, out of mind, out of site!
Poof! Like magick.
Nothing tragic.
Off and away to stay…
Eternally internalizing the Love.
And so it is…
Ride the wave.

xo