LONE WOLF by Abby Jean

06-27-17
He said, “I’d rather be left in the dark, than caught in the sun.”
He’d rather be left in the dark, than caught in the sun.
So deep.
Deep diving…
I’d rather deep dive in his mind.
I wanna deep dive in his mind – Badly.
Deeply bad.
Fuck.
So complex.
So intricate.
So introvert and mysterious.
I want it.
I want in.
I want in it soooo fucking bad.
You haven’t a clue.
I can’t put this want in words.
Deep dive in his mind.
A fairytale come true.
A moonlight dream, come true.
I message him sweet somethings.
Here and there.
“Good Morning…”
“Have a splendid day…”
“Blessings…”
They wreak of cheese, and I send them.
I want to pour sweetness from his crown down.
Like syrup, like honey oozing thick.
Enough sweetness to cover his everything.
I have it.
I have it in me, dormant.
I’d say patiently waiting, but I don’t think there’s any end to this wait.
This wait is nothing but weight.
Well it’s more, but, ya know…
This weight teaches me things about myself.
Through torment.
By not dropping to rock bottom.
Or rocketing straight out a volcano.
My response to dismay teaches me.
I thank him for that.
He doesn’t know it.
But I thank him for that.
I text him “Come fuck me”, well basically.
The words I choose are more clever though.
At least I think so.
So as to not bore him.
I’m not a basic bitch.
So as to have him know his complex mind relates to mine.
I think too much, perhaps you’re thinking.
Well guess what, I do.
Thinking is vital after feeling what I feel.
Thinking is my only hope.
My only chance to create a silver lining.
Wonder is everything to me.
I text him “Slither hither…”
He knows what it means.
But does he? Do I?
He has me confused.
He even spots my confusion.
He calls it out, between the lines.
He still can’t do anything about it.
Can’t… doesn’t… won’t…
I like to stick with can’t, feels better.
I understand, as I swallow it down.
It being every complexity of this… relationship.
Calm down, not boyfriend girlfriend.
That would be out of this world, cosmic.
I’m referring to this earthly human to human “relationship”.
Soul to soul, ya know.
I message him, “Come to my chamber.”
Insinuating Love making.
True.
I want it.
I want him.
Mmmm… I want what he gives.
But it’s because that’s my only chance of anything.
Behind my insinuating words however, there’s a whole other level.
I’m really just pushing persuasion to reel him in.
So I can study him.
Spend a little time with him.
To satisfy my relentless desire.
To know him.

GAMBLING GAMBLES by Abby Jean

June 14, 2017
You see me?
I feel like, you see me…
Who I am.
Feel me.
Who I am.

I’m taken aback from you…
I backup from you.
Take a step back.
Just to take a good look…
Are you, You?

Something seems puzzling.
I know that’s logic mumbling…
Trying to create – no.
Just aware of my standing.
My place in this gambling…

Relationship gambles.
Gambling lives for Love.
Once Passion drives that’s it.
The fire’s lit, let’s get lit, even if –
Our risky gambles end up in shambles…

Am I the only one he longs for?
Am I the only one who shines under his sun?
Am I the only sun shining his day…?

I consider… thoughts wander…
I drift to wonders that weigh me.
Distraughtening to ever Love in unreciprocated depths.
Never again.
I catch myself thinking and stop to feel instead.

How do I… feel…

Tingles run up my arms.
Back of my neck.
Spread through my scalp.
My cheeks.
Magick swirls from my heart.

I feel, Love.
Insane depths of it.
I feel, fear.
My heart’s rocky history runs deep.
I feel, anxious.

Anxious to look in your eyes.
Confront your soul with no words.
Communicate through spirit.
Ethereal realness.
One on one confrontational informational gathering.

What is this.
What are we really doing babe?
What the fuck are we doing.
We are so bold to advance you know.
So wild spirited in this crazy trance you know.

I tear from the thought of losing you.
Anxiety from logic of how this can continue.
I need to know you.
I need to see you in regular life.
Day to day living, I need to know you.

I’m at a loss for words now.
Words.
Words aren’t satisfying me.
There’s nothing left to say.
Everything must be felt.

Babe, I fucking Love you.
My head spins, belly, heart, nervous system.
I admit I’ve developed fright.
Just trying to maintain it as slight.
I can’t lose you, I fucking can’t.

How do I, win…
Moment to moment.
Day to day.
I make conscious effort.
To underwhelm my overwhelm.

Inhale, exhale…
“Anything is possible.”
In the calm of my storm.
I can and shall manifest it.
You and I together, living as one.

Inhale, exhale…
My Love.
I care for you so dearly.
With no hesitation.
It’s a soul to soul thing. xo

GIMME MY DRUG by Abby Jean

Apr 10 ’17
I love you so much it’s hurting.
I love you so much I’m moody.
I love you so much I need you.

Baby.

Bae.

Boo.

My Love.

My sweet one.

The one that makes me the happiest…

I need you.

I saw you Monday morning…
Early.
Before the sun was is in the sky.
I felt you, touched you, kissed you.
Smelt you.
Monday morning one full week ago.

I know I’m addicted to you now.
I know I’m addicted because I fiend for you.
Because I have mood swings without you.
Because the further away the time gets.
The further away you get.
The moodier I get.

Baby, I need you, you’ve become my drug.

I’m sorry.
It wasn’t my intention..
Idea..
None of the above.
I just, got a dose…
And now I can’t stop, I fiend.

I pace my house back and forth.
Not a true pace, I mean not anxious or angry.
I pace as I go from room to room.
Forgetting why I went there once I get there.
Because my mind is elsewhere.
Been there, stuck there… on you.

On this situation.
Becoming a witchuation.
For I don’t know what to do with myself.
You’re untouchable without a doubt.
Kilometers on kilometers away… Miles.
I use crystals to brace my heart.

LONG DISTANCE LOVER by Abby Jean

03-24-17
Pressed against you.
He says he wants to be pressed against me.
I feel identical to him.
Identical to his thoughts.
His wants.
His needs.
I want to be pressed against him.
Against his everything.
I want to feel his gentle kisses.
All over me.
I want to feel his rough hands.
All… over… me.
Cross the border my Love.
Drive here, fly here to my country.
Long distance Lover.
I long to Love you.
Every day, every night.
Every and any chance I get.
My long distance Lover.
You are worth every.. single.. wait.

FIRE BURNING by Abby Jean

Mar 4 ’17
What do you want from my existence?
I’m keeping my fire pussy to myself…
So don’t dare begin to hint.
I already feel your motivation.
Behind your sweet unoriginal words.
Fire pussy, fire pum.
But you’re too slow.
You need to step up your conscious game.
Vibrate where I’m vibrating…
She’s in another dimension now.
I moved her.
I’m saving her for a real boyfriend.
For someone who loves me.
For someone who has genuine care.
Takes care, makes care.
For the who that I am.
For me.
Someone who desires me.
Not in fragments.
Not in sextions.
Desires me in entirety.
Do you want this from my existence?
Piss off then.
You’re dismissed.

STAR-CROSSED LOVERS by Abby Jean

Feb 18 ’17
He came to see me last night.
The one I Love, or, in Love with…
I came when he came, basically.
He’s like, my everything.
He’s my everything of anything.
Like magick in front of my eyes.

He’s surreal to my vision.
My touch.
My kiss.
It’s the middle of the night.
Am I only dreaming?
My mind fights the fright…

Life is but a dream.
It reminds itself.
And he is yours, in yours.
About to be in yours.
Making dreams outside of dreams.
My pussy steams…

He’s really here.
Soul to soul dancing.
He’s really in my apartment.
Eyes to eyes trancing.
Fuck.
The connection I can’t explain.

Fuck me.
These feelings uncontained.
Feelings taking over my brain.
Sane to insane.
Insane making me sane.
It’s all the fucking same.

Your face I frame.
Deep in my pineal.
Picture hanging on the wall.
Stained in my third eye.
I made sure of it.
Stained in my inner vision.

I envision you with clarity.
I feel the rushed frequency.
Shooting through each cell.
Igniting, exciting.
You’re like a drug.
You’re a drug to me, my dear Precious one.

I cave at the mere text from you.
All the strength I had built.
All the effort I had put in.
The detox, of letting you go.
I cave as soon as I see your name.
You are everything to me.

You came to see me last night.
And now I’m left stirred.
My chronic longing for more time with you…
Unbearable weight.
Tight shoulders, chest tight.
We’re star-crossed lovers, fooling ourselves in the night…

LEFT ME HANGIN’ by Abby Jean

01-17-17

He left me hangin.
I’d rather be bangin…
I really didn’t ask for much.
Just a title for a poem and such.

He read my message with no reply.
So this poem is now based on my try.
To get him to spark my creativity.
I’ll do it myself with my divinity.

Here at work with concentration issues.
Rather write it out than blow it into tissues.
I’m having heart aches on many levels.
Fiending for attention from dick devils.

I overhear my soul battling my ego lately.
Begging to stop the thoughts, praying greatly.
Self destruction, self torture, self abuse.
The pleasure in pain, pleasure in being used.

Love… oh Love, where art thou.
A brave heart willing to Love, I need now.
What’s happened to everyone, hearts tainted.
So fearful, so empty… ugly pic they’ve painted.

I still smile, dance, sing and spin.
As many times as I lose, I win.

Pause.

He just sent me a song.
A song I wanna put in my thong.
Makin’ me want his schlong.
All fucking night long.

These moments are what I live for.
These moments I hoard and store.
Reminisce when I need more.
More than staring at a closed door.

Random moments, random times.
Random visions invading minds.
I love making something from nothing.
I adore making nothing from something.

I know my mood, I know myself.
I’ll keep writing words, they write themself.
No end inside my infinite mind.
Black hole spewing words of all kinds you’ll find…

I thought he left me hangin.
But really he came back bangin.
Life, you amaze me.
Life, you drive me crazy…