LONE WOLF by Abby Jean

06-27-17
He said, “I’d rather be left in the dark, than caught in the sun.”
He’d rather be left in the dark, than caught in the sun.
So deep.
Deep diving…
I’d rather deep dive in his mind.
I wanna deep dive in his mind – Badly.
Deeply bad.
Fuck.
So complex.
So intricate.
So introvert and mysterious.
I want it.
I want in.
I want in it soooo fucking bad.
You haven’t a clue.
I can’t put this want in words.
Deep dive in his mind.
A fairytale come true.
A moonlight dream, come true.
I message him sweet somethings.
Here and there.
“Good Morning…”
“Have a splendid day…”
“Blessings…”
They wreak of cheese, and I send them.
I want to pour sweetness from his crown down.
Like syrup, like honey oozing thick.
Enough sweetness to cover his everything.
I have it.
I have it in me, dormant.
I’d say patiently waiting, but I don’t think there’s any end to this wait.
This wait is nothing but weight.
Well it’s more, but, ya know…
This weight teaches me things about myself.
Through torment.
By not dropping to rock bottom.
Or rocketing straight out a volcano.
My response to dismay teaches me.
I thank him for that.
He doesn’t know it.
But I thank him for that.
I text him “Come fuck me”, well basically.
The words I choose are more clever though.
At least I think so.
So as to not bore him.
I’m not a basic bitch.
So as to have him know his complex mind relates to mine.
I think too much, perhaps you’re thinking.
Well guess what, I do.
Thinking is vital after feeling what I feel.
Thinking is my only hope.
My only chance to create a silver lining.
Wonder is everything to me.
I text him “Slither hither…”
He knows what it means.
But does he? Do I?
He has me confused.
He even spots my confusion.
He calls it out, between the lines.
He still can’t do anything about it.
Can’t… doesn’t… won’t…
I like to stick with can’t, feels better.
I understand, as I swallow it down.
It being every complexity of this… relationship.
Calm down, not boyfriend girlfriend.
That would be out of this world, cosmic.
I’m referring to this earthly human to human “relationship”.
Soul to soul, ya know.
I message him, “Come to my chamber.”
Insinuating Love making.
True.
I want it.
I want him.
Mmmm… I want what he gives.
But it’s because that’s my only chance of anything.
Behind my insinuating words however, there’s a whole other level.
I’m really just pushing persuasion to reel him in.
So I can study him.
Spend a little time with him.
To satisfy my relentless desire.
To know him.

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