UNSTABLE by Abby Jean

07-04-17
I switch quick.
Don’t fuck with me bitch.
Don’t fuck with me, almost asshole.
Don’t leave me lonely.
Inevitably you’ll come back to no me.
Don’t leave me hangin’.
My fuckboy I’ll be rebangin’.
Dangerous.
I’m dangerous when left alone.
In thought alone in the comfort of my home.
Thought that skips to impulse.
Compulsive impulsive behaviour.
What’s wrong with me.
I get mad and frustrated.
I stare in the mirror at the image that appears.
Ouch.
My heart.
I feel it in my heart.
Like a caving into the dark.
Centre of my chest contracting.
As it caves it hurts.
I want to Love so bad.
And have the Love returned.
And have the care returned.
The comfort of knowingness returned.
Build.
I wanna build a foundation.
Get to know someone in depth.
In the secrets and depths of their soul.
Their being, their existence.
Anger so suddenly sadness…
I stare in my pupils.
Whisper gently, “I Love you.”
I say it again.
“I Love you.”
The rush gets me high.
Tingles up and down my spine, I Love it.
Gimme that euphoric rush.
That addictive feeling.
Ahhhhhh….
Love.
Let me bask in it, immerse in it.
Make light of the worst of it.
Dearest Love frequency.
Please, just stabilize me.

PURITY by Abby Jean

June 27, 2017
Pure.
Purity.
He’s so pure to me.
So pure when compared to me.
So pure when up against me.

I feel I’m the tainted one.
I know I’ve always been tainted.
But the ones I’ve dated are more tainted than me.
In plain sight it’s plain to see the script’s flipped.
He’s more pure than me.

Makes me self-conscious.
I start losing my confidence.
What if he thinks… I’m too crazy.
Vertigo, headrush, vision becomes hazy.
My everything dizzy in a daze of crazy.

My chest starts squeezing.
My lungs start queezing.
No, don’t worry, no sneezing.
Thoughts of him not liking me.
Turns my stomach.

He came to see me yesterday.
Picked me up from work.
Like a generous, thoughtful, sweet husband…
Taking, making the time between work.
He moves me to levels inconceivable.

He drove across states to see me, I’m mesmerized.
States, across borders, into provinces…
Exhale.
Who does that for me besides he?
Who’s so willing… wild… passionate?

Pure.
Purity.
He’s so pure to me.

How precious.
How precious is he.
He’s so fucking precious.
I feel bursting from my seams!
My internals beam!

Makes me suspicious.
Suspicion makes me feel twisted.
For to suspect the innocent…
To suspect the pure…
Is pure atrocious.

So I sit in dismay instead.
While my head spins around in my head.
Waiting… not sure waiting for what.
Calming… letting go to the Universe.
Trusting… to see what returns.

LONE WOLF by Abby Jean

06-27-17
He said, “I’d rather be left in the dark, than caught in the sun.”
He’d rather be left in the dark, than caught in the sun.
So deep.
Deep diving…
I’d rather deep dive in his mind.
I wanna deep dive in his mind – Badly.
Deeply bad.
Fuck.
So complex.
So intricate.
So introvert and mysterious.
I want it.
I want in.
I want in it soooo fucking bad.
You haven’t a clue.
I can’t put this want in words.
Deep dive in his mind.
A fairytale come true.
A moonlight dream, come true.
I message him sweet somethings.
Here and there.
“Good Morning…”
“Have a splendid day…”
“Blessings…”
They wreak of cheese, and I send them.
I want to pour sweetness from his crown down.
Like syrup, like honey oozing thick.
Enough sweetness to cover his everything.
I have it.
I have it in me, dormant.
I’d say patiently waiting, but I don’t think there’s any end to this wait.
This wait is nothing but weight.
Well it’s more, but, ya know…
This weight teaches me things about myself.
Through torment.
By not dropping to rock bottom.
Or rocketing straight out a volcano.
My response to dismay teaches me.
I thank him for that.
He doesn’t know it.
But I thank him for that.
I text him “Come fuck me”, well basically.
The words I choose are more clever though.
At least I think so.
So as to not bore him.
I’m not a basic bitch.
So as to have him know his complex mind relates to mine.
I think too much, perhaps you’re thinking.
Well guess what, I do.
Thinking is vital after feeling what I feel.
Thinking is my only hope.
My only chance to create a silver lining.
Wonder is everything to me.
I text him “Slither hither…”
He knows what it means.
But does he? Do I?
He has me confused.
He even spots my confusion.
He calls it out, between the lines.
He still can’t do anything about it.
Can’t… doesn’t… won’t…
I like to stick with can’t, feels better.
I understand, as I swallow it down.
It being every complexity of this… relationship.
Calm down, not boyfriend girlfriend.
That would be out of this world, cosmic.
I’m referring to this earthly human to human “relationship”.
Soul to soul, ya know.
I message him, “Come to my chamber.”
Insinuating Love making.
True.
I want it.
I want him.
Mmmm… I want what he gives.
But it’s because that’s my only chance of anything.
Behind my insinuating words however, there’s a whole other level.
I’m really just pushing persuasion to reel him in.
So I can study him.
Spend a little time with him.
To satisfy my relentless desire.
To know him.

GAMBLING GAMBLES by Abby Jean

June 14, 2017
You see me?
I feel like, you see me…
Who I am.
Feel me.
Who I am.

I’m taken aback from you…
I backup from you.
Take a step back.
Just to take a good look…
Are you, You?

Something seems puzzling.
I know that’s logic mumbling…
Trying to create – no.
Just aware of my standing.
My place in this gambling…

Relationship gambles.
Gambling lives for Love.
Once Passion drives that’s it.
The fire’s lit, let’s get lit, even if –
Our risky gambles end up in shambles…

Am I the only one he longs for?
Am I the only one who shines under his sun?
Am I the only sun shining his day…?

I consider… thoughts wander…
I drift to wonders that weigh me.
Distraughtening to ever Love in unreciprocated depths.
Never again.
I catch myself thinking and stop to feel instead.

How do I… feel…

Tingles run up my arms.
Back of my neck.
Spread through my scalp.
My cheeks.
Magick swirls from my heart.

I feel, Love.
Insane depths of it.
I feel, fear.
My heart’s rocky history runs deep.
I feel, anxious.

Anxious to look in your eyes.
Confront your soul with no words.
Communicate through spirit.
Ethereal realness.
One on one confrontational informational gathering.

What is this.
What are we really doing babe?
What the fuck are we doing.
We are so bold to advance you know.
So wild spirited in this crazy trance you know.

I tear from the thought of losing you.
Anxiety from logic of how this can continue.
I need to know you.
I need to see you in regular life.
Day to day living, I need to know you.

I’m at a loss for words now.
Words.
Words aren’t satisfying me.
There’s nothing left to say.
Everything must be felt.

Babe, I fucking Love you.
My head spins, belly, heart, nervous system.
I admit I’ve developed fright.
Just trying to maintain it as slight.
I can’t lose you, I fucking can’t.

How do I, win…
Moment to moment.
Day to day.
I make conscious effort.
To underwhelm my overwhelm.

Inhale, exhale…
“Anything is possible.”
In the calm of my storm.
I can and shall manifest it.
You and I together, living as one.

Inhale, exhale…
My Love.
I care for you so dearly.
With no hesitation.
It’s a soul to soul thing. xo

YOUR NIPPLES SPECIFICALLY by Abby Jean

June 5, 2017

I feel like licking your nipples.
Ya I said it.
It’s the mood I’m in.
The flavour of my salivation.
Bottled up randiness.
Ravenous for salvation…
Yes it’s a thing.
Babe, fling a fling.
I want you.
Mashed between my thighs.
Thrusting me up high.
Sending chi with your eyes.
Deep breathing…
Fuck I miss your touch.
Your grope.
Your loving.
Your sexiness.
You’re sexiness…
I wanna lick your nipples.
Surging urge through my veins.
Surging moisture from my cave.
Crystal cave of cosmic depth…
Desire.
Lust.
We must.
Thrust.
Baby, I fucking Love you…
Send me your nipples through FedEx.
My long distance Lover, you must.
Just a little lick of each.
Then I’ll send them right back to your reach.
It’s just the mood I’m in…
My Lover.
My precious, dearest, most favourite sin.
Just.
Gimme your nipples to lick.

PANCREATIC LOVE by Abby Jean

May 25 ’17

Lover Love me.
Through my pancreatitis and back.
Lover Love me.
Don’t leave me when I flop.

Love me when I’m sad.
When I’m not fun to be around.
Love me through my drought.
When my body’s in perma-shout.

When it freezes up, seizes up.
Squeezes up, leaves me empty.
Malnutritioned… crippled…
Crying.

Pancreas, adrenals…
Endocrine, I Love you.
Let’s not do this.
I hear you, forcefully.

Clear message you resend me.
Calm down my dear, you tell me.
Slow down and take care, of you.
The whole you.

Mind.
Body.
Soul.

Love me baby.
Please Love me through it all.
Please don’t leave me.
When my spirit is low.

It’s only for the moment.
Well, in between moments…
You know the real me.
Never forget the high me.

Lover Love me.
I know you do…
I cry from the gratitude.
Thankfulness… appreciation.

You’re an Archangel of mine.
My Lover, I Love you.
To depths unknown….
I give thanks in moments alone.

ANNOYING LOVE by Abby Jean

May 1 ’17
Fuuuuuck.
I just wanna say fuuuuck.
I want to text you it.
Fuuuuuck.
I tap in and out of our thread.
Type it and delete it.
Exit.
Pause.
Tap – entered.
My hovering finger resisting contact with the screen.
Held back strictly by logic…
Strictly.
I mean it.
‘Cause instinct screamin’ “Goooo! Go! Go! Type!”
Cheering like a motha fucka…
Exit.
Fuuuuuuck.
I don’t know what to do with myself.
Heavy thoughts weighing me.
Life thoughts.
Life decisions.
Vibrational life creating decisions.
Manifestation brainstorms.
Distraught.
Confused.
Torn between yin and yang.
And somehow you seem the comfort.
Somehow you seem easing to my worries.
I see your face and that’s it.
Soothed.
Feel your vibrations and it’s over.
Stress relaxed.
I miss you.
I miss you so bad.
I’m not allowed to say it.
I never was.
But I sure as fuck feel it.
Like.
Fuuuuuuck.
You feel like my reflection.
Like, you are me.
I feel like you’re missing from me.
Like I can’t not have that piece of you.
I can’t give you that piece of you back from me.
I’m incomplete when I pass you back.
I’m missing a piece of me with you gone.
I miss you.
I Love you so dearly.
Still, from then till now.
I know.
I don’t understand it either…
Frustrating.
Annoying.
Can’t get away from feeling feelings.
Feelings are what creates life.
These fucking feelings.
I Love you so unknowingly why.
I Love you so profoundly confusingly.
I fucking Love you.
Don’t ever leave my life.
Don’t ever.
Fuck.